Unfit 2 Print Receives no Bailout, Reinvents itself as Wire Service on Twitter

Today, (not so popular) news source, Unfit 2 Print  relocated permanently to a Twitter based news service (http://twitter.com/Unfit2Print). Coming so close to being another casualty of the economic downturn and shutting its doors, Unfit was forced to downsize- and now consists of a staff of three: an editor, a Roomba, and the former dancing baby from Ally McBeal who was looking for any job that didn’t stereotype him into his previous child-star role (hey if it worked for Doogie, why not for him). 

Chicago Man Hospitalized After Watching A-Team for First Time in 20 Years

A Chicago man is reported to be in stable condition after having a panic attack and collapsing while watching the popular 80’s TV show, The A-Team, last night on TV Land. Doctors say the shock of watching the show for the first time in 20 years and realizing how awful it actually looks now was just too much for the man to take, and led to the panic attack.

“It’s a fairly common occurrence.”, said Dr. Fitzpatrick of Northwestern Memorial Hospital, “Guy has nostalgic revisionist memories of how good an 80’s show from their childhood was and then flips on an episode late at night on TV Land or another station, and it’s hard for them to come to terms with how crap the show actually looks now. The immediate reaction is one of panic that some show they associate with happy childhood memories is embarrassingly bad.”

Spears Sisters Endorse Hillary

In an announcement that could shake up the Democratic Presidential nomination race, the Spears sisters, Britney and Jamie Lynn, formally endorsed Hillary Clinton today at a press conference. As the Democratic Primaries have heated up over the last few weeks, there had been much apprehension from both Clinton and Obama about whose camp the Spears sisters would end up in. Needless to say, the Clinton camp was elated after hearing the news, and many think this is the type of high profile endorsement that could push Clinton over the top and secure her the nomination.

A joint statement given by a spokesperson on behalf of the sisters said, “We’re sorry that we had to wait until this late in the game to announce our endorsement, but between the hectic nature of a public teenage pregnancy and Britney checking in and then fleeing the psychiatric ward, it’s been hard for us to meet and focus on the election. We know the American people look to us for guidance in times like this and don’t take our responsibility lightly.”

Samuel L. Jackson Reads Movie Script He Doesn’t Like

Samuel L. Jackson sent shockwaves through Hollywood yesterday, announcing that he was turning down a movie role after reading a script he didn’t like. The movie, Scorpions on a Ship, is believed to be the first role Jackson has turned down since he declined to play a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard in a high school play about civil rights. In that case, however, his parents’ refusal to sign the permission form was the reason Jackson did not participate, not his hesitancy about the role. But, after starring in 63 straight films he had been offered, even Jackson drew the line at Scorpions on Ship, a period piece about a 19^th Century man on slave-ship, who has to protect himself and his family when killer scorpions are intentionally let loose on the ship by a rival plantation owner.

CNN’s ‘This Week at War’ to Become ‘This Day at War’

The continued popularity of CNN’s This Week at War prompted the Network to announce that the show would now be called This Day at War and air daily instead of weekly. A CNN programming director explained the decision by saying “Yes, with some shows once a week is enough, like ‘House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta’ for instance. There are only so many stories about blind men who walk fifteen hours to donate blood to homeless Katrina orphans that the American people can stomach, but with war, we really believe more is better. Maybe with some countries one hour a week is enough to cover what’s going on with their wars, but this is America. We barely scratch the surface in an hour.” The show, which deals with war, terrorism, homeland security and nuclear threats, also plans to add more interactive segments such as “Who Should be Next?” and a Top Ten plays of the day type offering where viewers vote on America’s best moves of the day in the global war on terror.

Confusion on When to Fist Bump Spurs Book to Top of Best Seller List

The Art of The Fist Bump: From the Bar to the Boudoir to the Boardroom made its debut at #3 on the New York Times Best Seller list this week. The book, by first time author Jeremy Pendergrast, documents the rise of the cultural phenomenon of ‘fist bumping’ and serves as a how-to guide for properly using the technique with friends, co-workers and loved ones. As Pendergrast explains, “The fist bump is so ubiquitous these days, having been featured in beer commercials, on mainstream TV and even on game shows, but guys still aren’t sure what situations to fist bump in. Do I fist bump my boss? What about the pizza delivery guy? Can I fist bump someone I just met? Is it ok to fist bump women? These are questions my book definitively answers once and for all.”

Obama, Clinton at Loss For Words as Speechwriters Strike

In a sign of solidarity with their Writer’s Guild of America brethren, the nation’s top political speechwriters went on strike early Thursday morning. The move comes at the worst possible time for the Democratic and Republican candidates vying for their Parties Presidential nominations. The Head of the Political Speechwriters Association (PSA) commented on the decision, which caught most DC insiders off guard, saying, “We thought it was the appropriate action at this point. We don’t really have any grievances or complaints, it’s more symbolic. Just like the rest of America, we’re tired of watching The Daily Show without writers. It’s just not funny. Maybe this action will spur some governmental pressure on Hollywood to get a deal done, so we can also actually get to see the Scrubs series finale.”

Iowa Man with 524 Facebook Friends Still Has Nothing to Do Saturday Night

In breaking news, 23 year old Jeremy MacDougall of Cedar Rapids, Iowa stayed in Saturday night with nothing to do, despite having 524 Facebook friends. He reportedly had sent out a few messages during the week along the lines of “What’s going on this weekend?”, and, “Let’s do something Saturday night”, and received either, no response, or Facebook messages back from friends saying that they were busy. On Friday, MacDougall even posted on his Iowa Network’s Wall (a virtual bulletin board on Facebook) asking people to let him know of any parties happening on Saturday night in Cedar Rapids or Des Moines. He received no responses or event invites.

Church of Scientology Expels Tom Cruise

The Church of Scientology held a press conference yesterday to formally cut ties with Tom Cruise. The prepared statement read in part, “After much careful deliberation, we have decided that it is best for all parties concerned that Tom no longer be affiliated with the Church. This is not a decision we took lightly, but in light of many factors, including his recent lackluster box office performance and the ‘ickiness’ of his relationship with Katie Holmes, we thought this was the most prudent action. That, and frankly, he’s a little out there even for us, and that’s saying a lot.”

New Hampshire Man Can’t Find Globe in Travel Store

In an incident that gives more credence to the notion that American’s geography skills are deteriorating, a Portsmouth, New Hampshire man was unable to locate a globe of the World in a travel store Saturday morning. According to eyewitnesses, the twenty-something man, whose name is being withheld out of respect to him, his family and his past teachers, wandered aimlessly around the Rand McNally Travel store for close to 25 minutes trying to locate a globe. “Yeah, he just kept stopping at different shelves.”, said a Rand McNally salesperson. “It’s not a really big store and when he asked me where the globes were and I pointed to the selection of them at the back, I thought he would be ok. It’s really hard to miss them, we carry like over 50. He picked up a travel book first and looked confused, and then a suitcase I think. Finally when he came back up to me with one of those flip-up travel alarm clocks, thinking he had found the globe, it started to dawn on me that he may not know what a globe is.”