Jolie Adopts Entire Nation of Malawi

The citizens of Malawi were rejoicing yesterday as Angelina Jolie announced that she and Brad Pitt would adopt all of the one million plus orphaned children in the tiny African nation. It had been expected for sometime that Jolie would return to the international limelight with some humanitarian gesture but the magnitude of this announcement caught everyone off guard, including her most ardent fans. “Wow. Malawi huh? Not sure exactly where that is but that’s huge.”, said Jenny Carouthers-Smith of Sacramento, a twenty-something woman who runs a Jolie fan-site. “I was expecting maybe another adoption of a cute Asian kid or a maybe another cause like PETA that she was going to become a spokesperson for, but this is major.”

A representative for Jolie addressed the media and answered the question on everyone’s mind: Why Malawi? “Well, after adopting the Cambodian kid and the Ethiopian kid, the birth of Shiloh on a mud patch in Namibia, the UN Refugee Commission role and movies like Mighty Heart, Angelina felt the need to do something big, to really step it up, and Malawi seemed like the right move. Let’s face it, if she just adopted a kid from a war-torn country or lobbied for another save the world type cause, no-one would really notice. ‘ Oh look, there’s Angelina giving birth to triplets with a midwife, in the middle of a landmine filled field in Vietnam. Yawn.’, they would say. Been there, done that.”

In a prepared statement, Jolie said, “Yes, Malawi is not as glamorous as Rwanda, but the welfare of its children is nearly as important and press-worthy. We want to show that a country’s relative obscurity doesn’t mean it’s not worth saving. There is a huge child mortality problem in Malawi and hundreds of thousands of kids have been orphaned by AIDS. I hope this spurs other people with the means, to adopt countries as well. Even though I am the first to do so, the trailblazer in a way, a pioneer actually, I hope I’m not the last.” When asked about the logistics of adopting over one million kids, the Jolie camp was quick to respond, “Well obviously we have thought about this and are not jumping in without any provisions. For now the JPMs ( Jolie-Pitt Malawians) will remain in Malawi and we will make sure they are provided for there. Then we will begin the process of re-naming the JPMs with exotic, cool-sounding names, and the final step will be the mass re-location of the children to America. We’re in negotiations with a couple States to provide the space for them is all I can say.” When prodded for more details on this, a Jolie spokesperson said, “We really can’t say much more right now, but rest assured it’s not New York or California. It’s a couple of those below the radar potato farming states no-one really cares about that we’re looking at. We know the last thing Americans want is one million Malawi kids running around its big cities and we’re sensitive to that.”

Some of the JPMs

Many publicity pundits applaud the move by Jolie and Pitt, saying that it will definitely make sure that the couple stays in the news throughout 2008. “Shiloh, Zahara and the new kid won’t be adorable forever and soon America will get bored with them. This move guarantees a steady influx of cute, impoverished kids for Angelina and Brad to parade in front of cameras at movie openings and fundraisers. They can showcase a different kid every day for the rest of their lives if they want to. It’s good for their careers and good for the kids. Brilliant. Let’s see Bono top this.”

As for Angelina and Brad, their publicist insists it’s not a PR stunt. “Angelina and Brad don’t care about the publicity. They did it because it felt right. They are looking forward to all the madness settling down and want to see their one million plus kids have a normal life. They want to take them to ballet and Malawi netball practices, to go on family picnics and game hunts with them, and to cast them as extras in a series of African based films they are planning, just like any other parents.”

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