Unfit 2 Print

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Church of Scientology Expels Tom Cruise

Posted by Raj on January 22, 2008

The Church of Scientology held a press conference yesterday to formally cut ties with Tom Cruise. The prepared statement read in part, “After much careful deliberation, we have decided that it is best for all parties concerned that Tom no longer be affiliated with the Church. This is not a decision we took lightly, but in light of many factors, including his recent lackluster box office performance and the ‘ickiness’ of his relationship with Katie Holmes, we thought this was the most prudent action. That, and frankly, he’s a little out there even for us, and that’s saying a lot.”

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When asked if there was any one particular incident that drove the Church of Scientology to take this drastic action, a spokesperson commented, “It wasn’t one thing really. Even before the Oprah jumping up and down on the couch episode we started to wonder if Tom was really the type of high profile person we wanted to represent the Church. We’re trying to be taken seriously as a religion and having Tom as a public spokesperson has been, well, disastrous. I mean, there are ways to defend your religion in public and ways not to. Saying, ‘Some people, well, if they don’t like Scientology, well, then F-you. Really. F-you. Period.’, is not a scholastic rebuttal we as a Church endorse. ”

The Church, founded by author L. Ron Hubbard over 50 years ago, is used to controversy and mocking, but apparently draws the line at pint-sized movie stars who claim to know more than some of the worlds greatest minds. A high ranking member of the Church told us, “Discrediting Freud and Kinsey? I’m no medical genius but psychiatry and what-not have been around for a little longer than our Church I think. And saying giving a kid Ritalin is akin to giving them Cocaine? Whoa. Hold your horses. My kid has a little ADD and when he gets in one of his hyperactive moods, I admit, I slip him a little Ritalin to focus him…and yes maybe a little Nyquil in his milk to knock him out so I can have 20 minutes of peace in my day…but the point is, who is he to knock 200 years of medicine? He hasn’t even played a doctor in a movie as far as I can tell. Now, maybe if it was George Clooney, people would take him seriously, because of his longstanding role on ER, or even the guy from Scrubs, but Tom Cruise? That’s stretching it. ”

Martha McLoskey, a devout Scientology follower, agrees with her Church’s decision. “I can handle John Travolta and even Katie Holmes to an extent, but I cringe every time I go to TMZ and see Tom has done something stupid again in the name of Scientology. Most of us are just regular people. We practice medicine without a license and perform the odd ritual sacrifice just like any cult…um, I mean, religion.” The Scientology spokesperson went on to say that severing ties with Cruise was mandated by the Church’s Disconnection Policy, which, in his words states that, “members are encouraged to cut off all contact with friends or family members considered annoying or ballistic”. When we corrected him and let him know the actual Scientology texts say Disconnection applied to “friends and family members considered antagonistic”, not “annoying and ballistic”, the spokesperson retorted, “Whatever. Our Church was started by a Sci-Fi writer. And not even Asimov or Orwell.”

One reporter pushed this point, questioning whether Scientology was actually a religion or more of a pyramid scheme like Amway. The spokesperson responded, “We’re nothing like a pyramid scheme. We pay our members for bringing in other people to the Church and the more members they bring in, the more money they, and the church make. Does that sound like a pyramid scheme to you?” When told that this was, in fact, the accepted definition of a pyramid scheme, the spokesperson abruptly changed the topic back to Cruise, saying, “In the end, the values of the Church and Tom were just diverging. It was one thing to put up with him making us watch ‘Days of Thunder’ over and over again when he had a high Q rating, but now? I don’t think so. And then we heard he had been seen lunching with Mel Gibson. That was the last straw. We have enough bad press already and the last thing we need is all the Jews breathing down our necks.”

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One Response to “Church of Scientology Expels Tom Cruise”

  1. Ashima said

    sooo funny

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